I forgot all about the good old man Ecclesiast

He's already done it - tried to understand what makes the men tick, what we are doing with our time here. His conclusion - nothing we do really matter, and the wisest thing a man can do is to enjoy his moment, savor his life.
I am always on a search - looking at this or that person - how do they live. What do they do with their days. Especially since I don't have to rush to work, I wake up and I have another day before me. I guess I could just sit and stare at the window and listen to my thoughts. Would it really matter? There are always things to do, people running around and around, wanting something, asking empty questions and having same empty chats. So much noise. What in a hell am I doing with my precious time here? May be sitting by the window and listening is the time spent best. So much time wasted on senseless arrangement and needless details. Feelings matter, and understanding.

I wanted to safe this letter to Jenny M

I am tired of been bullied by life, and so I don't care anymore. I really don't. And so life is good. I used to wait for the "good stripe", but I just decided that I don't want to wait to live. May be from the attitude "whatever comes I'll accept" I shifted toward "something is coming? give me a baseball bat". And for that I am grateful. The last year did change me, and I don't mind it, to be honest. I cared too much about the balance of everyone's feelings, and never really thought about who I am and what I want, even in our marriage. It appears to be healthier to reserve a part of yourself regardless of what other person thinks about it. A silly example - I like weird french food, Mike hates it, and so I never explored it; I like classical music and opera, Mike doesn't, and so I almost never indulged myself. There is only so much a person can give up, and same goes for Mike, I think he felt complied by his culture to give up himself completely. Over the time we both have developed grudges, and now we are searching for ourselves.

Random #1

I wish I didn't think as much. Sometimes I'd like to turn my brain off. May be that's what I've been doing lately - practicing a partial shut down. I find that most people don't have that problem. Life for them rests on a few familiar pillars, and no time wasted on pointless analysis. That's why if I talk what I think I bore people to death. But then that's who I am, reaching out with my thought beyond the routine, trying to make sense of things. I like who I am, and I guess fitting in is something of a past. Surprisingly, people still accept you, as long as you know how to play the casual relationship game. I don't have to pour the waters of my deepest underground streams on my every acquaintance. Plus, I like people in general. I do have some things in common with quite a few of them. I used to get frustrated if I couldn't share my interests on politics, or on social disaster of the russian society, or on whether we would find a new home among the stars after we die. I stopped comparing and judging, and simply accepted my new friends for what they have to offer. I do take great pleasure in discovering a new person, seeing life through their eyes, feeling what they feel and understanding why they are who they are. Mmm, I do enjoy that.

stripped of all the layers

I find myself stripped of all the layers. My culture proved itself ancient and close-minded, my religion has shown its numbing effect on people's lives, my glorified vision of love has collapsed under the reality of our both imperfections, my nerve-wrecking strive for constant unquestionable goodness lays in ashes (where it belongs). As far as all my previous believes are concerned I am no one, and thus I have to find and build everything anew. In a way I am welcoming the clean page in my life. Something new is growing in our lives. Ashes enrich the soil and new stronger saplings are springing out of the burned past.

tips from "Hatchet"

I thought the book had a much deeper insight on life than it cared to admit. An entire life's worth of feelings and struggles are fit into 54 days in the wild. I thought that's how life sometimes feels - a constant struggle ("nothing is easy here"). And depression can be overcome with "things to do". The story is told in a simple way, yet without warning there is a very deep thought and you are stopped by it, and confronted.

Building a new course at 32

Is 32 too old to turn around and start building in a new direction? I guess all my life I did what I had to do - degree to get a job, a job to survive, a decision that fits someone's else needs. I don't even know if I am capable to pull out my interest, my passion from all the lids of "required" and "necessary".
I guess it doesn't hurt to try. What do I have to lose? The worst thing that can happen is I accomplish nothing. But complacency is unforgivable. I have too much to invest, to offer, to develop to allow myself to rot in complacency. My time is claimed by my little treasures, but what good am I to them if I am damaged by regret and frustration?

Men vs. women

In my church culture there is a certain aspect that really bugs me. Men who are given the priesthood authority sometimes get this idea into their head that they are somehow superior to women. Yes, the church policy is that everybody is equal, but the DeFacto situation is quite different. Since the leadership is made up of men only, women are not taken seriously. They are the cookie bakers, the quilt-makers, the smiley submissive sisters. How dare they even allow such thought of superiority enter their minds. If there is a reason why men only can bear priesthood, that would be to compensate them for whatever they lack in comparison to women. We are born mature with mature instincts and mature plans for our lives. To us it was trusted to care and to raise the new-comers. Men were given physical strength and skill to provide for us, while we raise the new generations of the human kind. Without priesthood - more service than power - they would continue play with their toys.