laws of physics: nothing can fully disappear, niether can we

And so to find any plausible explanation of weather we disappear into nothingness after we die, I turned to one subject that was never explained to me well in school - physics. One law I do remember - matter can never disappear, regardless of what you do with it. Even acid only breaks it down into molecules. Our body remains here to enrich the soil for the future groves and eventually enters other human bodies through fruit and meat of the animals (ghastly, but a realistic thought - every time I bite on an apple, I get a piece of some dude from a thousand years ago), but what about our consciousness? It has to be of some sort of matter and according to the same law of physics, can not simply disappear. And so this fear of nothingness should be done away with - I, as I perceive and know myself, can not be gone, but only changed, who knows to what degree. First solid prove to myself, I shall never die.

self-convincing

After 17 years of holding on to an idea and a certain conviction, I had to take a step back, and with much sadness let go of it. I had to accept the certain truth - there is none who has the pure truth about our origin, and about the world beyond this one. Some have better ideas than others, but even the most hopeful ideas get squished by human narrow-mindedness. No longer I can ignore that, and although grateful for new angle on life, I go on in search of understanding. With same sad inevitability I also accepted that I will never fully grasp the meaning of my being, I can only continue gathering bits and pieces and move perpetually toward the full knowledge.

I forgot all about the good old man Ecclesiast

He's already done it - tried to understand what makes the men tick, what we are doing with our time here. His conclusion - nothing we do really matter, and the wisest thing a man can do is to enjoy his moment, savor his life.
I am always on a search - looking at this or that person - how do they live. What do they do with their days. Especially since I don't have to rush to work, I wake up and I have another day before me. I guess I could just sit and stare at the window and listen to my thoughts. Would it really matter? There are always things to do, people running around and around, wanting something, asking empty questions and having same empty chats. So much noise. What in a hell am I doing with my precious time here? May be sitting by the window and listening is the time spent best. So much time wasted on senseless arrangement and needless details. Feelings matter, and understanding.

I wanted to safe this letter to Jenny M

I am tired of been bullied by life, and so I don't care anymore. I really don't. And so life is good. I used to wait for the "good stripe", but I just decided that I don't want to wait to live. May be from the attitude "whatever comes I'll accept" I shifted toward "something is coming? give me a baseball bat". And for that I am grateful. The last year did change me, and I don't mind it, to be honest. I cared too much about the balance of everyone's feelings, and never really thought about who I am and what I want, even in our marriage. It appears to be healthier to reserve a part of yourself regardless of what other person thinks about it. A silly example - I like weird french food, Mike hates it, and so I never explored it; I like classical music and opera, Mike doesn't, and so I almost never indulged myself. There is only so much a person can give up, and same goes for Mike, I think he felt complied by his culture to give up himself completely. Over the time we both have developed grudges, and now we are searching for ourselves.

Random #1

I wish I didn't think as much. Sometimes I'd like to turn my brain off. May be that's what I've been doing lately - practicing a partial shut down. I find that most people don't have that problem. Life for them rests on a few familiar pillars, and no time wasted on pointless analysis. That's why if I talk what I think I bore people to death. But then that's who I am, reaching out with my thought beyond the routine, trying to make sense of things. I like who I am, and I guess fitting in is something of a past. Surprisingly, people still accept you, as long as you know how to play the casual relationship game. I don't have to pour the waters of my deepest underground streams on my every acquaintance. Plus, I like people in general. I do have some things in common with quite a few of them. I used to get frustrated if I couldn't share my interests on politics, or on social disaster of the russian society, or on whether we would find a new home among the stars after we die. I stopped comparing and judging, and simply accepted my new friends for what they have to offer. I do take great pleasure in discovering a new person, seeing life through their eyes, feeling what they feel and understanding why they are who they are. Mmm, I do enjoy that.

stripped of all the layers

I find myself stripped of all the layers. My culture proved itself ancient and close-minded, my religion has shown its numbing effect on people's lives, my glorified vision of love has collapsed under the reality of our both imperfections, my nerve-wrecking strive for constant unquestionable goodness lays in ashes (where it belongs). As far as all my previous believes are concerned I am no one, and thus I have to find and build everything anew. In a way I am welcoming the clean page in my life. Something new is growing in our lives. Ashes enrich the soil and new stronger saplings are springing out of the burned past.

tips from "Hatchet"

I thought the book had a much deeper insight on life than it cared to admit. An entire life's worth of feelings and struggles are fit into 54 days in the wild. I thought that's how life sometimes feels - a constant struggle ("nothing is easy here"). And depression can be overcome with "things to do". The story is told in a simple way, yet without warning there is a very deep thought and you are stopped by it, and confronted.